There’s no handbook when it comes to parenting, and raising children can present challenges no matter who we are. But as an autistic parent, you may face additional considerations, especially when your child’s needs differ from your own. While parenting can have its difficulties at times, being autistic can also have its own unique strengths when it comes to being a caregiver. Below we will explore both sides of this, as well as tips for supporting your own self-care.
Strengths of autistic parents
It’s important to recognize that every autistic person is unique, so there’s no one set of strengths or challenges that will be true for everyone. But never-the-less, there are some traits that many autistic people share that are of huge benefit when looking after a child.
It’s a common assumption that autistic people are not empathetic, but this is a misconception. Autistic people might experience empathy differently to non-autistic people, but evidence shows being autistic can actually lead to heightened empathy in some cases. This ability to sense someone else’s feelings can foster a deep connection with your child, regardless of whether they are autistic or not. And for autistic people who don’t empathise easily, an ability to do diligent and thorough research (eg into parenting) can be equally effective in learning your child’s needs.
In a similar way, being autistic can create empathy if your child struggles with society’s norms and rules – and what child doesn’t get frustrated at having to follow the rules sometimes? In this type of situation, being autistic can give you a unique understanding of your child’s perspective of the world.
A love of order and routine is extremely helpful for organising family life, activities, and schedules, which can be of benefit for both children and parents. Similarly, attention to detail is a valuable skill when it comes to spotting potential issues at home before they become more of a problem.
If your child is autistic themselves, having insight into the challenges they face can be extremely useful – even if your personal traits, preferences, and coping styles might be different from theirs. There can be a shared understanding and connection when both parent and child are autistic, and you can even become a positive role model for them, promoting any self-acceptance, coping mechanisms, and self-advocacy skills you have learned for yourself.
Challenges for autistic parents
Some challenges that might arise for autistic parents could include clashes between your own behaviour patterns and your child’s needs – for example you might prefer order and tidiness, while they like to leave toys all over the house. Likewise, you may experience conflict between your sensory needs and activities your child enjoys. Maybe they love to listen to loud music, but you have a sensitivity to sound. Or perhaps they want to go to busy events but you find crowds overwhelming.
Changes to routine are not uncommon in busy family life where multiple schedules and activities are at play. This can trigger difficult feelings for some autistic parents, so having established coping techniques to help with flexibility is really important.
In addition, discomfort with social contact might make interacting with other parents and teachers more challenging, which in turn can make it harder to arrange playdates, liaise with your child’s school, or advocate for your child. In scenarios like this, feelings of alienation or guilt can arise, often exacerbated by social stigma and self-doubt about your parenting capabilities.
It’s important to remember that meeting your own needs is vital for you to be a good caregiver, and you don’t need to compare yourself to other parents or do things in any set way – even if the way you need to do things differs from what’s considered ‘normal’.
Tips for overcoming challenges and managing your own self-care
Manage expectations
It’s important to manage both your own and others’ expectations around social interaction and commitments. Prioritising what’s important to you and your child and letting other things go is perfectly ok. Connecting with other autistic parents can be a good way to look for support and practical guidance. You can even seek a mentor who has their own experience as an autistic parent, or ask an advocate to facilitate communication with schools, healthcare providers, and other professionals. Being clear if and where you need support, and letting people know what you can and can’t get involved in, will help ensure your needs and your child’s needs are met.
Support your sensory needs
Creating a sensory safe space within your home, can be a great way to meet your own sensory needs. This could be a whole room like a bedroom, or part of a room that is sectioned off, and should be tailored to your unique sensory needs. For example, maybe you might keep noise-cancelling headphones there, fidget toys, weighted blankets, soft lighting etc – whatever helps you to decompress when you’re feeling overloaded. It can also be helpful to engage in activities that help you to rest, feel calm, and restore your energy levels.
Establish routines for stability and sleep
Regular and predictable structure can provide stability day-to-day. Including a bedtime routine for both you and your child can be particularly beneficial in prioritising sleep, which is key to good self-care. If your child is an early riser, you can create simple morning routines that they can get on with unsupervised. For example, setting the table for breakfast or laying out their clothes the night before. This will support them in creating a morning routine where they don’t need to wake you first thing. Where you do lose sleep, try to minimise demands on yourself during the day to conserve your energy levels – think about whether there are any tasks or commitments you could drop or put off to a later date when you feel more rested.
Be aware of basic physical needs
Bodily needs such as food, hydration, warmth, and personal care, are essential to wellbeing, but some autistic people do struggle with interoception – the ability to detect our own inner state. If this is a something you find difficult, you can support yourself by setting reminders, creating your own checklists and including them in your daily routine, or aligning with your child’s routine so that you eat when they eat, you go to the bathroom after they do etc. The trick is not to rely on sensing these needs in the moment, but instead to put in place mechanisms to remind you to meet these needs as part of your daily routine.
Practice communication
To establish good communication at home, you can try different ways of interacting with your child to see what works best. One way is to create an autistic health passport – a document that clearly lays out your autistic needs. You can show this to your child to help them understand what works for you, and it can also be helpful when liaising with healthcare professionals like doctors.
You can also try visual communication aids like using emoji, wall charts, or colours to convey different emotions to your child. Alternatively, texting with older children can provide a way to communicate when direct interaction might be difficult or overloading.
Be proactive
It can be helpful to develop coping strategies to address challenges in advance, rather than waiting for overload or crisis to arise. While you can’t always avoid overwhelm, having established coping mechanisms and support ready will help both you and your family. For example, you can explain to your child why you might need to spend time alone in your sensory safe space, so they are prepared when you step away. This can help prevent them feel of abandoned or seeking your attention at those times.
You can also build a small support network of people close to you to prepare for times you might need unplanned help if you do experience overwhelm or meltdown. Just remember that all parents need help sometimes, and asking for it is being a good parent, not an inadequate one.
Get mental health support if you need it
Any pre-existing mental health conditions such as anxiety or depression could be heightened for autistic parents, and some may hesitate to seek help due to worries about what other people think about their parenting skills. It’s important to remember that getting help is proactive, a great act of self-care, and absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. If you do need mental health support, please consider reaching out to your doctor or a trained professional. You can find tips on how to do that is this blog post.
