It’s more than likely that the first person/people who you will tell that you are autistic will fall into the category of ‘friends’. And why not? They are the people you see most often. They are the people you trust. They’re reliable. They’re relatable. They’re there for you when the chips are down. But with all things considered, do they even care if you are autistic? And how do you tell someone you are autistic without making them look at you like you just announced you’re carrying the T-virus from Resident Evil?
Should you tell a friend you’re autistic?
For most people, autism is pretty much a ‘do not remove’ label on a quilt: they know it exists, and they’re pretty sure it is important, but they will stay well away from it because they don’t want to do anything wrong. This may have you asking: ‘Does this mean I don’t have to tell my friends I am autistic?’ and I guess that, if I’m being truly honest with you, the answer is no. However, this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.
Telling someone you are autistic isn’t just about widening your friend’s understanding of the spectrum; It’s also about how it can benefit you by:
- Preventing any misunderstandings that may arise between you and your friends
- Knowing that you are not holding anything back from your friendship, which can be a relief
- Being good practice to tell other people in the future, such as at work or with a girlfriend or boyfriend
And finally, whether you like it or not, your friends are probably well aware of your ‘quirks’ by now, so it’s better to explain yourself than leave them in the dark.
How NOT to tell friends you are autistic
Before we discuss how to tell a friend you are autistic, let me give you an example of what can go wrong. This is the tale of the first time I told someone I was autistic, and it went, er…how do I say this? Maybe I’ll just tell you the story, and then maybe the words will come to me.
So, the first time I told someone that I was autistic was during break time in the last year of primary school. I can’t remember why I had decided to tell my friend I was autistic, but I can remember the words I used clearly:
“I’m autistic, which means I ask lots of questions because something in my brain doesn’t work right”… oh yeah, now I remember how to describe how it went…. it went badly!
Although you would be right to question why I would open up with this, it’s important to remember that at that time, I had always been told that being autistic meant my brain worked differently and, to me, in primary school, being different always meant wrong (thank God, I eventually saw sense!).
Somewhat unsurprisingly, my schoolmate looked extremely confused after hearing my confession but ultimately didn’t say much in return. We carried on where we left off, and I had that young, naive feeling that everything had gone rather swimmingly. Ignorance is indeed bliss.
Time then cracked on, and later that week, I was arguing with another ‘friend’ in class. During the debate, I remember the boy pulling the rug from under my feet when he said, “What do you even know? Your brain doesn’t work right.” Ouch!
Turns out, the original person I had told didn’t have a clue what I meant when I told him I was autistic. As a result, he went around the class and told people what I had told him in order to get help.
How to tell friends you are autistic
So yeah, the first time I told someone I was autistic was a bit of a disaster. However, it quickly taught me the lessons I needed to ensure that it didn’t happen again in the future. Luckily for you, I can share these lessons today (minus the crippling humiliation that they originally came with).
Try not to leave room for misunderstanding
This one doesn’t just apply to explaining how autism affects you but also how your autism affects the person you’re telling. Let them know this won’t affect anything about your friendship, and, more to the point, let them know what autism actually is.
Truth be told, I knew very little about autism before I started writing this blog, and this may be the case for you, too. Protect yourself from any misunderstanding by planning for it with the next piece of adivce…
Do your homework
It may sound stupid (and it’s also kind of a pain), but do some research before you start talking to people about your autism. Be prepared; they probably will ask questions. I’m not saying you should prepare an intensive report on the minds of autistic people, but maybe just read around the subject of autism to gain a general idea of how to answer any questions that may come your way.
It’s your decision who gets to know
Remember, if you don’t want things to end like my first time (and trust me, you don’t), then it’s worth noting that you should always tell the person you are talking to that you want this information to be private (if that is what you want).
It’s not like you are some super spy, and the safety of the world is at stake. It’s just like I said before; many people don’t really know what autism is, and if those people who don’t fully understand are then telling other people who know just as little, you risk misinterpretation: you tell one person that you are on the ‘autistic spectrum’, and three people down the line think you’ve had an ‘artistic tantrum’.
Before moving on from this point, I feel it’s crucial to mention that telling someone in private is not the same as telling someone you want to keep something private (I learnt that the hard way, too).
Timing is key
When it comes to telling someone you are autistic, timing can mean a lot of things: Is it the right time in the friendship? Do they have enough time to hear a full explanation? Are they in the right mindset to be told this information?
I find it’s better to wait and get to know someone before fully opening up to them, as it allows me to tailor my explanation in a language more familiar.
Don’t hold back
Unfortunately, as this is only a blog, I can’t stand behind you like a boxing coach prepping you for the most important match of your life. So, when it gets down to it, you’ve got to tackle the ‘telling’ on your own.
But don’t let this deter you. Just go out there and take it head-on. Sure, no one can say how your friend is going to react, but honestly, if they do respond negatively, then you probably don’t want that jerk as your friend in the first place. In one sense, you are finding out just as much about who your friends really are as they are about you.
