What to do when your child has a meltdown in public

Rae Britton
Rae Britton
Neurodivergent teacher and mum
father playing with his son

All children become frustrated and have temper tantrums, but as a parent of an autistic child, you’ll know that meltdowns are something quite different. While a meltdown might look a bit like a tantrum, it’s not about your child trying to get what they want. Instead it’s a reaction to being overwhelmed – a reaction they have little control over and causes them an awful lot of distress.  

Unfortunately the rest of the world doesn’t always understand this difference, which is why it can be particularly tricky as a parent when your autistic child has a meltdown in public. So what can you do to make sure you’re prepared for those occasions so you can handle them in a way that is best for your child and for you?

Understand your child’s triggers

The more you understand about what causes of your autistic child to become overwhelmed, the better prepared you will be to both prevent and deal with situations when they do happen. Next time your child goes into meltdown mode, take a moment to observe them. What behaviours are they displaying? What signs did you have that this was coming?

What environment are you in and what might have happened to trigger this episode? How frequent are the meltdowns and how long do they last? How serious do they feel? What helps bring them to an end?  Keeping a diary to help you spot trends and develop effective methods to help them resolve their feelings can be really valuable.

Being able to define and describe your child’s meltdowns will not only help you feel more in control, it could also help you get the support you need from other people, whether that be teachers, family, or clinicians.

Prevention is better than cure

As you get to understand how and why your child becomes overwhelmed, the better you’ll start to know what triggers them. It could be anything from sensory overload to anxiety, tiredness, unfamiliarity with the environment or struggling to label and convey their emotions.

Once you’ve identified key triggers, you can start to work to lessen their occurrence and effect. If your child can’t handle loud noises, ear defenders could make a trip to the shops more bearable. If new places are a problem, talking to your child about where you’re going together and what that experience might be like could help them feel more prepared. You might simply avoid bringing your child into some public settings because you know it’s likely to be too much for them at this point in time.

How you can help when meltdowns happen

If your child does have a meltdown in public, the first thing to do is to remind yourself that you don’t need to be embarrassed. This is not your fault and it’s not your child’s fault. Sometimes other people may not understand, but that isn’t your problem. Your responsibility is to your child, not to anyone else. Ignore any disapproving glances you might detect and focus instead on you and your child.

Because every child is different, there isn’t a one size fits all approach to handling meltdowns. There are a few ideas you might like to consider, however, the first being to find a quiet space where there are fewer people. This will reduce the stimulation your child is experiencing while giving you some relief from the worries of what others might be thinking, or even how they might inadvertently escalate things by trying to help.

If sensory overload is a trigger, try not to add to this. Obviously shouting is a no-no but other natural responses such as touching or hugging can be just as detrimental. Keeping yourself calm, using the right amount of eye contact for your child and not too many words is the best thing you can do. If you’ve come prepared with sensory tools that you know your child finds soothing, make these available but don’t force them. You might also find that deep touch pressure can help your child calm down.

Don’t be tempted to use this moment to try out a new coping technique at this point. It will most likely act as further unwanted information and exacerbate the situation. It’s far better to work on emotional self-regulation with your child when they aren’t having a meltdown.

Don’t beat yourself up about it

When our children are distressed or displaying behaviours we don’t like, we can feel a huge sense of responsibility to change or fix the situation. But remember what you can and can’t control.  And take a minute to recognise your own feelings about the situation so you can address your own needs later.

You will learn which strategies best help your autistic child to avoid meltdowns and to get through them if they do occur. But you’re human and so are they. There is no silver bullet that will work every time. We’d all love to be able to remove the anguish and triggers that cause meltdowns, but even with the best strategies in the world, there will always be moments that lead to a meltdown. Preparing yourself both practically and emotionally will help you support your child and allow them to move through them more quickly.

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