There’s a seemingly endless supply of books, magazines and apps dedicated to the practice of mindfulness and relaxation. They often come packaged in serene-looking covers featuring flowers, sunsets or people gazing wistfully out to sea. For parents of autistic children, this sort of imagery can make such self-care feel out of reach. The idea of devoting extended periods of time to being on your own feels like a total fantasy, because in reality you have little, if any, spare time in your daily routine and a child who can’t be left alone for any length of time.
But that doesn’t mean there aren’t things you can do to give yourself a little much needed self-care. They just may not involve performing a perfect ‘Downward Facing Dog’ on a beach in Bali. Nonetheless, looking after yourself is vital to protect your own physical and psychological health, as well as being able to be the best version of yourself to support your child.
Stress audit
When you next find a spare moment, make yourself a cup of tea or coffee, and take a step back from your life to draw up a list of the specific causes of stress. Think about what the pinch points are for your ability to cope. If this list appears never ending, it can help to organise major issues into different categories, then break them down into more manageable chunks. Remember this is just a list and you aren’t going to eliminate every area of stress in your life.
You will, however, find that there are at least some small things you can do to improve your situation. Identify any easy wins, such as tasks that you might be able to pass on to a partner, friends or family. And if, during the course of making the list, you feel like you need help, seek it immediately. Your child needs you, so prioritising your own physical and emotional wellbeing will protect them.
Be ready to go
As the parent of an autistic child you’ll be very familiar with the importance of planning and routine. Why not make a little space in that preparation for yourself? Have a bag packed so you don’t have to turn the house upside down as you search for the essentials you need to get out of the front door. Make sure you leave enough space in the bag for a few things for you to do during any unexpected moments of down time. This might be a book or a magazine, your sports kit, some knitting, or just a pair of headphones. Ideally something you can pick up and do straight away. But don’t overpack: the key to making this a success is to identify the essentials – you don’t want the bag itself to become a burden!
Get some rest
This one might sound like a bad joke for any parent of an autistic child for whom bedtime is a major issue. If they aren’t sleeping, you aren’t sleeping and that can lead to problems for everybody. Long term sleep deprivation has a massive impact on your physical and emotional wellbeing and makes it hard to deal with everyday life. If this is your situation, identify moments when you might be able to catch up, such as when they are in childcare or when you have family over. Even if it’s just a nap, you’ll find coping with those everyday challenges that bit easier.
Nurture your social networks
We’re not talking about endlessly scrolling through social media. Instead, identify the people around you who form your support system. Cherish those family members who offer to help, accept the efforts of friends and be ready to relinquish control to the people you trust. It will give you a bit of precious ‘me time’ to decompress and catch your breath. If you aren’t quite getting what you need, try asking friends, family and other parents you meet about their support networks. They might know about groups you could join or introduce you to new people who are going through the same thing.
Take five
Sometimes you might feel like you have barely five minutes in the day for yourself. The good news is, however, that can be enough to practice a little mindfulness or pause to take stock of what you’re grateful for. You might be able to find this time in the morning by setting your alarm a little earlier and setting a positive intention for the day. Or perhaps you could take five in the evening to recognise what you’ve achieved during the day. It’s easy to lose perspective and focus on the negative, but even little wins deserve to be celebrated. Recognise each small step for the victory it is.
